After some discussion on the subject on CnC Forums, and after some discussion between us, my Mistress and I have come to a conclusion: that it is time to adjust how we are doing 24/7, and how we are managing my submissiveness and submission. While it rankles me a little bit to say it (I don't know if I believe it is true in all such D/s relationships either), the folks on CnC did have a point.
If I am truly trying to be submissive, then I cannot ask my Mistress to force me to be submissive, or to take responsibility for my submission, since she does not particularly enjoy doing so. If I am seeking to be a true submissive, I must take responsibility for my own submission and focus on my Mistress and her desires. For her part, I should not burden her with my cravings and lusts and desires and fetishes; she knows what they are, and if she wants to play with me using them, that's her choice. If she wants to ignore them, that is her prerogative. If she wants to completely ignore my arousal and my sexuality, that is also her choice.
This idea is scary to me, since I know how little my Mistress enjoys most of my fetishes. I am afraid that the consequence of me being a true submissive to her is that I will end up doing a ton of chores, extremely sexually hungry, with very, very little in the way of BDSM, Kink, etc., beyond the whole "she rules my world". What makes this even more likely is how much my Mistress enjoys telling me 'no'.
While she is not typically very sadistic in the conventional sense (though it does seem to be growing on her a little), she is very sadistic in another sense: she loves making me suffer mentally/sexually. She loves watching me struggle to obey or to comply with her will. She loves listening to a request from me bred of sexual hunger deeper than any I've ever felt, telling me 'No', then watching me squirm and moan in despair and craving. She loves playing with me just enough to get me fully focused on my sexuality again, then turning around and walking away.
It's a war between my physical sexuality, cravings, and lusts, and my mental/emotional sexuality. Battle between the three have occurred before, but now it is all-out war. Perhaps this is the true test of my submissiveness: will my desire to submit to her, and to have her determining my fate override my sexual desires?
Ironically, and even worse for my physical sexuality, every time she tells me 'No' and makes me suffer just a little bit more, it turns me on just a little bit more. The other evening, she used electricity to sexually torment me: she had it turned up just enough that it felt good, and was on the cusp of feeling really, really, really good. She left it on, watching me squirm. I craved sex, I longed for her to touch me, to use the massager on me, to make me come. Heaven forbid I actually vocalize that, though, or start begging: she is not generally pleased by my begging. But the whole time, I knew that I was not going to be permitted to come. The whole time I lay there, unable to either increase or decrease the sexual torment, knowing that orgasm was not going to be given.
I love those moments; I love being told 'No'. I love being controlled by my Mistress. I love seeing her enjoy my suffering. Would I be submissive if she was and acted entirely vanilla (without any attempts or efforts at domination)? No, I don't think so. But as it stands...ughhh. I might lose control and get so horny that I am willing to undergo the risk of punishment in the hope that she might actually listen to my begging.
Do I submit out of hope that she will dominate? Or do I submit because I am a submissive? Perhaps there are folks that are the latter; I am afraid that I am not. But...because of how horny I am, and how much I crave her domination and attentions, I submit in ways I do not inherently enjoy, for far longer than I wish (changing diapers being one of the worst parts).
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Friday, February 17, 2012
CnC
I've had an account on www.collarncuffs.com for some time. When I first found the site, I was hit by how genuine the majority of the people I interacted with on the site were. They were realistic, they were honest, and the point of the site was not to titillate but to inform and empower. In fact, I suspect that much of what goes on there is counteracting fantasies developed by the porn industry, fantasies which are exaggerated and inflated and simply don't generally work in real life.
Beyond all of the information, however, there is also the community: individuals who have been there, struggled with that, and found solutions to this. Of course, there are individuals on the other end, as well: those who are trying to figure things out, how to get things to work and solve issues. Because of the honesty of these individuals, I think there is far more value to the community at CnC than most sites that might be compared on the internet, and much more to be potentially gained by becoming and being a part of this community.
So, I spent time nosing around, reading the informational stuff, reading the forums, and even chatting occasionally. My Mistress, however, had no positive interest in the site. I suspect that she thought of it much as she thinks about pornography: wasted time, and worse. After several eloquent and passionate pleas (alright, I might have just read her a few posts, and showed her a couple of my own), she agreed to create an account and look around.
She did so, and I cannot decide who is more surprised, she or I. As with 24/7, she seemed to enjoy herself on CnC; she had fun reading a number of the posts (particularly those of RedWench, who reminds her of a friend she once had) and looking around (she loved MissBonnies little animated .gif ).
We shall see, I suppose, whether she continues to frequent the site, and whether she finds any value in the vast array of information gathered over time there. I certainly hope she will; whether or not she does or we do, I am certain the site will be of great use to many individuals and couples for some time to come.
Beyond all of the information, however, there is also the community: individuals who have been there, struggled with that, and found solutions to this. Of course, there are individuals on the other end, as well: those who are trying to figure things out, how to get things to work and solve issues. Because of the honesty of these individuals, I think there is far more value to the community at CnC than most sites that might be compared on the internet, and much more to be potentially gained by becoming and being a part of this community.
So, I spent time nosing around, reading the informational stuff, reading the forums, and even chatting occasionally. My Mistress, however, had no positive interest in the site. I suspect that she thought of it much as she thinks about pornography: wasted time, and worse. After several eloquent and passionate pleas (alright, I might have just read her a few posts, and showed her a couple of my own), she agreed to create an account and look around.
She did so, and I cannot decide who is more surprised, she or I. As with 24/7, she seemed to enjoy herself on CnC; she had fun reading a number of the posts (particularly those of RedWench, who reminds her of a friend she once had) and looking around (she loved MissBonnies little animated .gif ).
We shall see, I suppose, whether she continues to frequent the site, and whether she finds any value in the vast array of information gathered over time there. I certainly hope she will; whether or not she does or we do, I am certain the site will be of great use to many individuals and couples for some time to come.
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
From his Formerly Reluctant Mistress
My slave has made a request for me to write a post. I am doing so, not because he wishes it, but because I think it will add depth.
I have been married to my slave for a little over four years. It's interesting to look at how things have changed so much since the beginning of our marriage. Originally, he wanted me to do kinky things to him and become his Mistress. I had absolutely no desire to do so. Therefore, we settled into a very uneasy compromise: I would do much more than I wanted, and he would receive much less than he wanted. We also tried, at one point when I was beyond frustrated, going with no kink at all. I have never seen my husband more miserable. I knew I had to simply do kinky things and get over my distaste for them.
I suppose much of the problem lies in the fact that I am a pacifist. I dislike confrontation in all its forms. When I am required to do something that feels even remotely confrontational, I literally start shaking/ sweating/ feeling nauseous at even the thought of it. It takes hours afterwards for me to finally calm down. I am also a very giving person. I'm not saying that to brag; it's one of my few talents. It can also become a curse, though, because I will steamroll over myself in order to help another person. So when my sub approached me a little while ago and suggested that we try a Femdom relationship, I was immediately turned off by the idea. The idea of forcing someone else to help me, and doing so in a domineering way, really went against the grain, especially because it wouldn't have to occur once, or twice, but on a consistent basis. I knew, though, that something needed to change, because our otherwise blissful marriage had such a sour streak running through it when it came to all things sexual.
So I decided to give it a try. Actually, we attempted it once for about two weeks. It didn't go well at all. I think this is due to my slave topping from the bottom, and getting too many orgasms; he is never so submissive as when he craves sexual satisfaction. I did realize, though, that I do have a sadistic streak. I don't get sexually aroused by said sadism; I merely find it extremely funny when he's crying out and struggling. I think that gave both of us hope for the future.
Anyway, after some discussion afterward, we realized some of the problems with our test run. So we decided to try again. I have been, quite honestly, shocked at my response. I honestly thought I'd hate it. And, to be honest, there are moments where I wish it would all go away and we could have a vanilla relationship. For the most part, though, I have taken charge and enjoyed it. I think it's because I'm doing what I want to do. If he craves attention that I'm not willing to give, I stick him in time-out in the bathtub. If he wants to make a request and I don't want to hear it, I tell him to be silent. I like to cook, so I still do most of the cooking around the house, but I no longer prepare our menus by wondering what he will like. In fact, some of the meals I've made are ones that I know he won't, just because I find it so funny. I also decided that my slave does not need any orgasms ever again (after I made my slave research the health consequences of infrequent orgasms).
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I enjoy Femdom for the most part. I have hope that this will be a successful endeavor, even if we have to restart a few times. If I can enjoy it, maybe other women can. For the moment, I'm simply reveling in the fact that I am, can, and will be a successful Mistress! It may not be for everyone, but if there are any reluctant women reading this blog, I hope that my words can inspire you to realize that you deserve to be taken care of, and the positives will outweigh the negatives, given sufficient communication and even a small desire to do so.
I have been married to my slave for a little over four years. It's interesting to look at how things have changed so much since the beginning of our marriage. Originally, he wanted me to do kinky things to him and become his Mistress. I had absolutely no desire to do so. Therefore, we settled into a very uneasy compromise: I would do much more than I wanted, and he would receive much less than he wanted. We also tried, at one point when I was beyond frustrated, going with no kink at all. I have never seen my husband more miserable. I knew I had to simply do kinky things and get over my distaste for them.
I suppose much of the problem lies in the fact that I am a pacifist. I dislike confrontation in all its forms. When I am required to do something that feels even remotely confrontational, I literally start shaking/ sweating/ feeling nauseous at even the thought of it. It takes hours afterwards for me to finally calm down. I am also a very giving person. I'm not saying that to brag; it's one of my few talents. It can also become a curse, though, because I will steamroll over myself in order to help another person. So when my sub approached me a little while ago and suggested that we try a Femdom relationship, I was immediately turned off by the idea. The idea of forcing someone else to help me, and doing so in a domineering way, really went against the grain, especially because it wouldn't have to occur once, or twice, but on a consistent basis. I knew, though, that something needed to change, because our otherwise blissful marriage had such a sour streak running through it when it came to all things sexual.
So I decided to give it a try. Actually, we attempted it once for about two weeks. It didn't go well at all. I think this is due to my slave topping from the bottom, and getting too many orgasms; he is never so submissive as when he craves sexual satisfaction. I did realize, though, that I do have a sadistic streak. I don't get sexually aroused by said sadism; I merely find it extremely funny when he's crying out and struggling. I think that gave both of us hope for the future.
Anyway, after some discussion afterward, we realized some of the problems with our test run. So we decided to try again. I have been, quite honestly, shocked at my response. I honestly thought I'd hate it. And, to be honest, there are moments where I wish it would all go away and we could have a vanilla relationship. For the most part, though, I have taken charge and enjoyed it. I think it's because I'm doing what I want to do. If he craves attention that I'm not willing to give, I stick him in time-out in the bathtub. If he wants to make a request and I don't want to hear it, I tell him to be silent. I like to cook, so I still do most of the cooking around the house, but I no longer prepare our menus by wondering what he will like. In fact, some of the meals I've made are ones that I know he won't, just because I find it so funny. I also decided that my slave does not need any orgasms ever again (after I made my slave research the health consequences of infrequent orgasms).
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I enjoy Femdom for the most part. I have hope that this will be a successful endeavor, even if we have to restart a few times. If I can enjoy it, maybe other women can. For the moment, I'm simply reveling in the fact that I am, can, and will be a successful Mistress! It may not be for everyone, but if there are any reluctant women reading this blog, I hope that my words can inspire you to realize that you deserve to be taken care of, and the positives will outweigh the negatives, given sufficient communication and even a small desire to do so.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
A Fantasy of Inattention
One thing that I find particularly interesting through all this is how my own fetishes and fantasies have changed. I was never particularly interested in feet; my Mistress has successfully (and deliberately) made her feet an object of sexual interest. I do not know that I would call it a full-fledged foot fetish, but it is certainly headed in that direction. My fantasies historically have focused on unnamed, unspecific dominant females doing all sorts of fantastic (and sometimes extreme) things to and with me. While they were very erotic, they are generally not the sort of thing I would ever consent to in real life for a number of reasons.
Over the past few weeks, the nature of my fantasies have changed. They are now based firmly upon my Mistress, and not some female conjured up by my imagination. The behaviors and activities are also a very different set; while they are a far cry from vanilla, they would perhaps be considered more 'tame' by many who like to explore the depths of BDSM; however, they are generally much more in line with things my Mistress does enjoy doing.
For instance, as I was laying awake during the early hours of the morning (very, very horny, with a green scrub pad down my underpants to make humping the bed intentionally or unaware very uncomfortable), I had a fantasy scenario running through my head. In it, my Mistress locked me in a custom steel chastity device, muzzled me, collared and cuffed me with locking leather, and ordered me to be 'Silent' every night overnight. Aside from using her toys on herself to make herself come next to me in the bed, she sexually ignored me, leaving me wanting to moan and beg for her attention. However, in this fantasy, violating said 'Silence' resulted in most unpleasant results, something along the line of being handed a blanket and made to sleep in the bathtub or in her closet.
I am not quite sure why the nature of my fantasies have changed so drastically. But, it has been so. Fortunately, my efforts as a submissive at redirecting my energy and focus more toward my Mistress have not gone unrewarded. My Mistress has been enjoying herself and her dominance more than either of us expected. She has enjoyed giving me spankings, nasty tittie-twisters (she has over the course of our marriage gotten very good at this), and having me helping much more around the house. I suspect, however, that the thing she is enjoying the most is how often and how effectively she has been able to say 'no': "Mistress, can you please..." "No." "Mistress, may I please...." "No." "Mistress, may I ask..." "Silence, pet."
It's almost perverse; I suspect often she tells me 'no' just because she can. If there is any form of D/s that she truly enjoys, I suspect this one is the greatest. Ironically, though I actually want her to/let me to/answer me, her "No's" do more to dominate me and establish herself as the being truly in charge than anything else either of us has done in this relationship.
Over the past few weeks, the nature of my fantasies have changed. They are now based firmly upon my Mistress, and not some female conjured up by my imagination. The behaviors and activities are also a very different set; while they are a far cry from vanilla, they would perhaps be considered more 'tame' by many who like to explore the depths of BDSM; however, they are generally much more in line with things my Mistress does enjoy doing.
For instance, as I was laying awake during the early hours of the morning (very, very horny, with a green scrub pad down my underpants to make humping the bed intentionally or unaware very uncomfortable), I had a fantasy scenario running through my head. In it, my Mistress locked me in a custom steel chastity device, muzzled me, collared and cuffed me with locking leather, and ordered me to be 'Silent' every night overnight. Aside from using her toys on herself to make herself come next to me in the bed, she sexually ignored me, leaving me wanting to moan and beg for her attention. However, in this fantasy, violating said 'Silence' resulted in most unpleasant results, something along the line of being handed a blanket and made to sleep in the bathtub or in her closet.
I am not quite sure why the nature of my fantasies have changed so drastically. But, it has been so. Fortunately, my efforts as a submissive at redirecting my energy and focus more toward my Mistress have not gone unrewarded. My Mistress has been enjoying herself and her dominance more than either of us expected. She has enjoyed giving me spankings, nasty tittie-twisters (she has over the course of our marriage gotten very good at this), and having me helping much more around the house. I suspect, however, that the thing she is enjoying the most is how often and how effectively she has been able to say 'no': "Mistress, can you please..." "No." "Mistress, may I please...." "No." "Mistress, may I ask..." "Silence, pet."
It's almost perverse; I suspect often she tells me 'no' just because she can. If there is any form of D/s that she truly enjoys, I suspect this one is the greatest. Ironically, though I actually want her to/let me to/answer me, her "No's" do more to dominate me and establish herself as the being truly in charge than anything else either of us has done in this relationship.
Thursday, February 9, 2012
True Sadism?
The other night, my Mistress texted me very specific instructions while she was gone, which were in two parts. The first part involved doing something specific to myself, the second part was sitting in the bathtub until she came home (my submissive's place, in many ways; if she wants me out of the way without worrying about me, she sends me there). I performed the first part exactly as instructed. The second part...I did briefly, but my distaste and discomfort overcame my desire to obey, and I cleaned myself up and left the bathtub, in direct contradiction of her orders.
I have mentioned to my Mistress before that harder+faster in relation to spankings is likely not the worst 'punishment' or 'torture'. After discovering how much more effective the 'Torment' program was than the 'Bee-stings' program with the ET-312, we discussed how she could apply that to spanking: make the blows a bit slower and more deliberate, to give the pain time to sink in, and to give me time to anticipate how much the next blow was going to hurt, hit me really hard occasionally so I knew how much it could hurt without a need to hit me that hard the whole time, and talk to me while she was spanking me, telling me things like "you are really going to be hurting by the time I am done with you, but you know you deserve it" and "oh, don't worry; I'm just getting started".
The result was interesting; while she has spanked me before using a variety of implements (crop, flogger, plastic mixing spoon, bare hand, bamboo mixing spoon), none of those ever compared to the spanking she gave me last night. It wasn't that the overall or average pain was really that much worse, I don't think. I think it really was the fear that I felt while I lay there waiting for each blow, knowing that each one was going to hurt.
What surprised me most though was the fact that she was causing me more pain than in any other session we have had with one or perhaps two exceptions, she enjoyed herself. She enjoyed spanking me and making it hurt. I suspect she enjoyed it when I squirmed around (I was not restrained). I would not be surprised if she enjoyed the noises I made.
This is surprising to me because I do not think she has ever really enjoyed causing me any real quantity of pain; sure, a few blows of the crop or smacks with a rubber band, but nothing like that. It also inspires a little more erotic fear (as well as fear of punishment).
More and more recently I've concluded that fear or anxiety in these situations is a turn-on. While I do not generally enjoy fear or suspense (I detest thrillers, though I have never hand any issues actually watching them. I just don't like that style of movie), it seems almost if I am a little afraid, it is because I am helpless, I know what is coming, I can't stop it, and my Mistress is truly in control and willing to exercise her will and power over me.
I don't know if her own breed of sadism will spread, and she will begin to enjoy other torments, tortures, and punishments more. I don't know if it could be made deeper, so that she enjoyed causing me greater pains. Frankly, I'm not sure how much I care. The fact that I know that she can enjoy causing me pain is enough to make me just that little bit more anxious every time she exerts any power over me, and I like it.
I have mentioned to my Mistress before that harder+faster in relation to spankings is likely not the worst 'punishment' or 'torture'. After discovering how much more effective the 'Torment' program was than the 'Bee-stings' program with the ET-312, we discussed how she could apply that to spanking: make the blows a bit slower and more deliberate, to give the pain time to sink in, and to give me time to anticipate how much the next blow was going to hurt, hit me really hard occasionally so I knew how much it could hurt without a need to hit me that hard the whole time, and talk to me while she was spanking me, telling me things like "you are really going to be hurting by the time I am done with you, but you know you deserve it" and "oh, don't worry; I'm just getting started".
The result was interesting; while she has spanked me before using a variety of implements (crop, flogger, plastic mixing spoon, bare hand, bamboo mixing spoon), none of those ever compared to the spanking she gave me last night. It wasn't that the overall or average pain was really that much worse, I don't think. I think it really was the fear that I felt while I lay there waiting for each blow, knowing that each one was going to hurt.
What surprised me most though was the fact that she was causing me more pain than in any other session we have had with one or perhaps two exceptions, she enjoyed herself. She enjoyed spanking me and making it hurt. I suspect she enjoyed it when I squirmed around (I was not restrained). I would not be surprised if she enjoyed the noises I made.
This is surprising to me because I do not think she has ever really enjoyed causing me any real quantity of pain; sure, a few blows of the crop or smacks with a rubber band, but nothing like that. It also inspires a little more erotic fear (as well as fear of punishment).
More and more recently I've concluded that fear or anxiety in these situations is a turn-on. While I do not generally enjoy fear or suspense (I detest thrillers, though I have never hand any issues actually watching them. I just don't like that style of movie), it seems almost if I am a little afraid, it is because I am helpless, I know what is coming, I can't stop it, and my Mistress is truly in control and willing to exercise her will and power over me.
I don't know if her own breed of sadism will spread, and she will begin to enjoy other torments, tortures, and punishments more. I don't know if it could be made deeper, so that she enjoyed causing me greater pains. Frankly, I'm not sure how much I care. The fact that I know that she can enjoy causing me pain is enough to make me just that little bit more anxious every time she exerts any power over me, and I like it.
Friday, February 3, 2012
My First Orgasm as Her Submisive
My Mistress and I have done Dominant/submissive play before. We have even done so over multiple days, and sometimes for as long as a week or week and a half. But every single time in the past, my orgasm has signaled the end of the D/s play. A large part of this is due to the fact that generally, if I am not horny, I am not terribly submissive. Until last night, I had not had an orgasm for a month. I was extremely horny, and I was fairly submissive. Both my Mistress and myself were nervous about what would happen when she did make me come (we realize for health reasons that it needs to occur at least somewhat regularly).
Last night, my Mistress restrained me, then sexually tormented me: she played with my nipples, my cock, she put on latex gloves and ran her fingers over my body (I was so horny that my entire body was one big erogenous zone). She even climbed on top of me and began sexing me, though she would stop moving every time it began to feel really good. She got off, made me give her head while she handled my cock some more. When she came, she got a vibrator and took me repeatedly to the edge. Finally, she took me over the edge.
She did not intend to ruin my orgasm, as I tend to sexually recover more slowly from ruined orgasms. In fact, the orgasm began as one of the best I have ever had in my life, and it was undoubtedly one of the longest. Unfortunately (for me), she removed the stimulation while the orgasm was still taking place. Although I was already toward the tail end of the orgasm, and had nearly finished coming, this actually ruined the orgasm, in a minor sort of way: there was an acute discomfort because of the pressure remaining in my balls, and the extreme pleasure of the first part of the orgasm was quickly replaced by dissatisfaction. As we lay there, she continued fondling me; this was an exquisite torment, as what had been one huge erogenous zone now became one huge hyper-sensitive zone. It wasn't ticklish per se, but that is the closest thing I can thing to compare it to. Just lightly running her fingertips over my thighs resulted in me thrashing.
However, once she released me and I had cleaned up after the little session, I realized something: I was not horny, but I still felt somewhat submissive. She, in turn, continued to treat me as her submissive. Although I was not as excited to serve her and seek her pleasure after the orgasm, I was still able to respect her as the figure in control of our relationship.
I suppose it is probably a good sign for our Mistress/submissive relationship that I woke up horny again. Although I am not nearly so aroused as I was last night prior to the orgasm, I am still horny enough to care about and crave her attentions. It feels as if we have crossed the last real boundary between a normal husband/wife relationship and this D/s relationship. My last opportunity and excuse to simply back out is gone; unless I am seriously worried about compromising the health and well-being of our children and family, I must now confess that I am fully her submissive and slave, and shall remain so as long as she desires it, in whatever form she might wish.
A little scary, and very exciting.
Last night, my Mistress restrained me, then sexually tormented me: she played with my nipples, my cock, she put on latex gloves and ran her fingers over my body (I was so horny that my entire body was one big erogenous zone). She even climbed on top of me and began sexing me, though she would stop moving every time it began to feel really good. She got off, made me give her head while she handled my cock some more. When she came, she got a vibrator and took me repeatedly to the edge. Finally, she took me over the edge.
She did not intend to ruin my orgasm, as I tend to sexually recover more slowly from ruined orgasms. In fact, the orgasm began as one of the best I have ever had in my life, and it was undoubtedly one of the longest. Unfortunately (for me), she removed the stimulation while the orgasm was still taking place. Although I was already toward the tail end of the orgasm, and had nearly finished coming, this actually ruined the orgasm, in a minor sort of way: there was an acute discomfort because of the pressure remaining in my balls, and the extreme pleasure of the first part of the orgasm was quickly replaced by dissatisfaction. As we lay there, she continued fondling me; this was an exquisite torment, as what had been one huge erogenous zone now became one huge hyper-sensitive zone. It wasn't ticklish per se, but that is the closest thing I can thing to compare it to. Just lightly running her fingertips over my thighs resulted in me thrashing.
However, once she released me and I had cleaned up after the little session, I realized something: I was not horny, but I still felt somewhat submissive. She, in turn, continued to treat me as her submissive. Although I was not as excited to serve her and seek her pleasure after the orgasm, I was still able to respect her as the figure in control of our relationship.
I suppose it is probably a good sign for our Mistress/submissive relationship that I woke up horny again. Although I am not nearly so aroused as I was last night prior to the orgasm, I am still horny enough to care about and crave her attentions. It feels as if we have crossed the last real boundary between a normal husband/wife relationship and this D/s relationship. My last opportunity and excuse to simply back out is gone; unless I am seriously worried about compromising the health and well-being of our children and family, I must now confess that I am fully her submissive and slave, and shall remain so as long as she desires it, in whatever form she might wish.
A little scary, and very exciting.
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Pain to Inspire Submission
To begin with, my Mistress has instructed me to begin referring to her as my Mistress in this blog.
Yesterday evening my Mistress punished me in order to work off some of the demerits that I have earned. I wired my cock to the Erostek 312 and set up the program (Torment), putting the stimulation level high enough that it was just starting to be unpleasant when it peaked. She restrained me, then raised the level of stimulation. I do not know how to describe the sensation; I shall merely say that while the machine was silent between its tortures, I could think of nothing but what was surely coming. When it was beginning to ramp up, I was begging for mercy and forgiveness. When it peaked each time, I was straining against my restraints and making some very, very interesting noises.
This punishment session was interesting to me for a variety of reasons. First, historically my Mistress has been cautious, almost oppressively so, about pushing my limits when it comes to pain. This is the first time she has pushed my limits so forcefully, so much so that thinking about it is erotic, and I will surely fantasize about it, but it was so painful that I had no thoughts sexual in nature during the session.
Second, although we attempted to design ways for my Mistress to inspire greater submissiveness in me, I did not expect a punishment session to do so of itself. However, I found that afterward, I was more truly submissive than I have ever before been. This has been more lasting than I expected as well; generally, my more submissive moods come and go, and dealing with the banal tends to make them go rather more quickly. This morning, though, I feel every bit as submissive as last night.
Part of this might be due to the isolation my Mistress put me in prior to the punishment session yesterday (time out, basically, with restraint and sensory deprivation). Between the punishment session and the isolation, I had an insight: although my wife is not inherently dominant, and does not inherently enjoy controlling and dominating me, my behaving like a partial submissive and only being partly sincere about my submission was not helping either my Mistress or myself. Historically, I limited my submission without thinking about it; I think this is partly out of fear that if I was fully submissive, it would turn off (not sexually, more generally speaking) my Mistress. Part of it as well was that even when I am being submissive and my wife is dominating me to a greater or lesser degree, I still want and crave various kinks and fetishes that I fear she will not provide if I do not push for them.
Thinking about it though, the fetishes and kink without the domination feels empty. The domination without the kink and fetish feels much more complete, if tantalizing and tormentuous. As a result of this realization, I have concluded that I must submit fully (within the bounds that we have set), and not hold back those parts I have previously held back. I hope that my Mistress will enjoy dominating me much more when I am not "topping from the bottom" at all.
Although, I am afraid that I will still occasionally fail, and she will be forced to remind me of my place. I am sure another such punishment session, or even the threat of it, will remind me again of my proper place as her submissive.
Yesterday evening my Mistress punished me in order to work off some of the demerits that I have earned. I wired my cock to the Erostek 312 and set up the program (Torment), putting the stimulation level high enough that it was just starting to be unpleasant when it peaked. She restrained me, then raised the level of stimulation. I do not know how to describe the sensation; I shall merely say that while the machine was silent between its tortures, I could think of nothing but what was surely coming. When it was beginning to ramp up, I was begging for mercy and forgiveness. When it peaked each time, I was straining against my restraints and making some very, very interesting noises.
This punishment session was interesting to me for a variety of reasons. First, historically my Mistress has been cautious, almost oppressively so, about pushing my limits when it comes to pain. This is the first time she has pushed my limits so forcefully, so much so that thinking about it is erotic, and I will surely fantasize about it, but it was so painful that I had no thoughts sexual in nature during the session.
Second, although we attempted to design ways for my Mistress to inspire greater submissiveness in me, I did not expect a punishment session to do so of itself. However, I found that afterward, I was more truly submissive than I have ever before been. This has been more lasting than I expected as well; generally, my more submissive moods come and go, and dealing with the banal tends to make them go rather more quickly. This morning, though, I feel every bit as submissive as last night.
Part of this might be due to the isolation my Mistress put me in prior to the punishment session yesterday (time out, basically, with restraint and sensory deprivation). Between the punishment session and the isolation, I had an insight: although my wife is not inherently dominant, and does not inherently enjoy controlling and dominating me, my behaving like a partial submissive and only being partly sincere about my submission was not helping either my Mistress or myself. Historically, I limited my submission without thinking about it; I think this is partly out of fear that if I was fully submissive, it would turn off (not sexually, more generally speaking) my Mistress. Part of it as well was that even when I am being submissive and my wife is dominating me to a greater or lesser degree, I still want and crave various kinks and fetishes that I fear she will not provide if I do not push for them.
Thinking about it though, the fetishes and kink without the domination feels empty. The domination without the kink and fetish feels much more complete, if tantalizing and tormentuous. As a result of this realization, I have concluded that I must submit fully (within the bounds that we have set), and not hold back those parts I have previously held back. I hope that my Mistress will enjoy dominating me much more when I am not "topping from the bottom" at all.
Although, I am afraid that I will still occasionally fail, and she will be forced to remind me of my place. I am sure another such punishment session, or even the threat of it, will remind me again of my proper place as her submissive.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Pleasure in Servitude
A day and a half in, and I am far more
docile, responsive, and helpful than at any time before in our
marriage. In the past, I have avoided changing our childrens'
diapers like the plague, particularly when it is not just urine.
Call me a bad husband, but I gag and feel bile upon seeing and
catching a whiff of the excrement. I am so horny though, and I so
badly crave my wife's attentions that when she instructed me to
change their diapers, there was only a brief hesitation: I looked
pleadingly at my wife, she glared back, and I complied with her
'request'. Cleaning house, shopping, changing diapers, cooking
dinners...none of these are things I enjoy or wish to do. I have
generally avoided them traditionally. But now....
I know that the chances of being
granted an orgasm during the week is exceptionally slim. If things
continue as we have discussed, then orgasms will happen only every
other week or so (and that only for health reasons; if we could
successfully massage my prostate, then orgasms might well become
entirely obsolete for me). Even then, those orgasms will probably be
made as unpleasant or as lacking as possible, and timed such that
getting me horny again afterward will be relatively easy for my wife.
Despite my knowledge of the fact that
my changes of coming are next to non-existent, every time my wife so
much as places cups her hand over my nipples, my penis becomes
instantaneously fully erect, and I would beg (if she would permit
it), say anything, or promise almost anything just for her to play
with my nipples (which are the most erogenous parts of my body). So
great is my arousal that I will almost reflexively begin humping the
bed if I am unrestrained (while eventually we intend to purchase a
custom chastity device, the ones we have tried so far have all been
found severely wanting; for the moment, we rely on the threat of
extraordinarily severe punishment and a scrub-pad inserted in my
underwear to make humping movements uncomfortable).
Is it worthwhile for me? Yes, as the
sexual activity I most enjoy is being controlled, dominated, and
sexually tormented. Is it worthwhile for her? Well, she certainly
appreciates the chores and attentions I have been giving her. She
certainly appreciates the fact that if I begin acting or speaking out
about my arousal or cravings, she can easily correct and stop such
behavior. Are the benefits to her worth dealing with her dislike of
dominating me? I suppose we shall see.
Monday, January 30, 2012
So It Begins
We have struggled, my wife and I, for a number of years in our relationship because of different preferences when it comes to the bedroom. She loves sex of the vanilla sort. I love BDSM and kink. We have tried over the years to find some place in between, or alternating between our sexual preferences. None of them were particularly successful.
Overall, we have a wonderful relationship. We have never had an argument in earnest, have never raised our voices at each other, and we are generally very good at communicating with each other. That being said, having done a little reading and a little research, we decided to attempt Femdom/female-led (or a variation of it).
My wife does not particularly enjoy dominating me; she does not particularly enjoy BDSM of any variety. She actively dislikes anything more 'dirty'. She does have a small sadistic streak, but it is not at all sexual in nature for her. However, we hope that the benefits to her of such an arrangement will outweigh her distaste.
For my part, I have loved and fantasized about BDSM for as long as I have thought about women and sex. While I do enjoy vanilla sex, when I begin getting really aroused, I generally begin craving kink. I would not in general call myself a thrill-seeker; I consider myself fairly conservative. However, I love diversity (especially of the kinky variety) in the bedroom. No, I am not interested in bringing anyone else into the bedroom. I do have a number of hard limits. There are many things that I consider morally wrong. But between my wife and myself? I like to be surprised. I like to be restrained, dominated, tormented, and humiliated. I like diversity.
We decided, for this attempt, that there would be one key: my wife owns and controls my sexuality, and anything directly to it. From there, she may as she chooses expand her control as far as she likes. She has no obligation to me; if she wants vanilla sex five times a week, it is my responsibility to provide; certainly, if she were to choose to do so, there would be the distinct advantage that I would not get aroused enough to truly crave BDSM. As my submissiveness is often directly proportional to my arousal, this would result in a much more equal relationship (with the exception of sexually).
However, my wife decided in general to start with the opposite; my orgasms will be infrequent at best, and she elected to exert control over a good deal more than just my sexuality. All of this...was decided while I was away on a month-long business trip, during which I was permitted no sexual release. By the time I arrived home late yesterday evening, I was extremely horny, and feeling more submissive than I ever have prior.
She reviewed the 'Ownership Manual' I wrote, which included rules, rituals, rewards, punishments, and instructions and information on a variety of subjects. She gave the rough draft her approval, and so we begin.
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