True Sadism?

The other night, my Mistress texted me very specific instructions while she was gone, which were in two parts.  The first part involved doing something specific to myself, the second part was sitting in the bathtub until she came home (my submissive's place, in many ways; if she wants me out of the way without worrying about me, she sends me there).  I performed the first part exactly as instructed.  The second part...I did briefly, but my distaste and discomfort overcame my desire to obey, and I cleaned myself up and left the bathtub, in direct contradiction of her orders.

I have mentioned to my Mistress before that harder+faster in relation to spankings is likely not the worst 'punishment' or 'torture'.  After discovering how much more effective the 'Torment' program was than the 'Bee-stings' program with the ET-312, we discussed how she could apply that to spanking:  make the blows a bit slower and more deliberate, to give the pain time to sink in, and to give me time to anticipate how much the next blow was going to hurt, hit me really hard occasionally so I knew how much it could hurt without a need to hit me that hard the whole time, and talk to me while she was spanking me, telling me things like "you are really going to be hurting by the time I am done with you, but you know you deserve it"  and "oh, don't worry; I'm just getting started".

The result was interesting; while she has spanked me before using a variety of implements (crop, flogger, plastic mixing spoon, bare hand, bamboo mixing spoon), none of those ever compared to the spanking she gave me last night.  It wasn't that the overall or average pain was really that much worse, I don't think.  I think it really was the fear that I felt while I lay there waiting for each blow, knowing that each one was going to hurt. 

What surprised me most though was the fact that she was causing me more pain than in any other session we have had with one or perhaps two exceptions, she enjoyed herself.  She enjoyed spanking me and making it hurt.  I suspect she enjoyed it when I squirmed around (I was not restrained).  I would not be surprised if she enjoyed the noises I made.

This is surprising to me because I do not think she has ever really enjoyed causing me any real quantity of pain; sure, a few blows of the crop or smacks with a rubber band, but nothing like that.  It also inspires a little more erotic fear (as well as fear of punishment).

More and more recently I've concluded that fear or anxiety in these situations is a turn-on.  While I do not generally enjoy fear or suspense (I detest thrillers, though I have never hand any issues actually watching them.  I just don't like that style of movie), it seems almost if I am a little afraid, it is because I am helpless, I know what is coming, I can't stop it, and my Mistress is truly in control and willing to exercise her will and power over me.

I don't know if her own breed of sadism will spread, and she will begin to enjoy other torments, tortures, and punishments more.  I don't know if it could be made deeper, so that she enjoyed causing me greater pains.  Frankly, I'm not sure how much I care.  The fact that I know that she can enjoy causing me pain is enough to make me just that little bit more anxious every time she exerts any power over me, and I like it.