After some discussion on the subject on CnC Forums, and after some discussion between us, my Mistress and I have come to a conclusion: that it is time to adjust how we are doing 24/7, and how we are managing my submissiveness and submission. While it rankles me a little bit to say it (I don't know if I believe it is true in all such D/s relationships either), the folks on CnC did have a point.
If I am truly trying to be submissive, then I cannot ask my Mistress to force me to be submissive, or to take responsibility for my submission, since she does not particularly enjoy doing so. If I am seeking to be a true submissive, I must take responsibility for my own submission and focus on my Mistress and her desires. For her part, I should not burden her with my cravings and lusts and desires and fetishes; she knows what they are, and if she wants to play with me using them, that's her choice. If she wants to ignore them, that is her prerogative. If she wants to completely ignore my arousal and my sexuality, that is also her choice.
This idea is scary to me, since I know how little my Mistress enjoys most of my fetishes. I am afraid that the consequence of me being a true submissive to her is that I will end up doing a ton of chores, extremely sexually hungry, with very, very little in the way of BDSM, Kink, etc., beyond the whole "she rules my world". What makes this even more likely is how much my Mistress enjoys telling me 'no'.
While she is not typically very sadistic in the conventional sense (though it does seem to be growing on her a little), she is very sadistic in another sense: she loves making me suffer mentally/sexually. She loves watching me struggle to obey or to comply with her will. She loves listening to a request from me bred of sexual hunger deeper than any I've ever felt, telling me 'No', then watching me squirm and moan in despair and craving. She loves playing with me just enough to get me fully focused on my sexuality again, then turning around and walking away.
It's a war between my physical sexuality, cravings, and lusts, and my mental/emotional sexuality. Battle between the three have occurred before, but now it is all-out war. Perhaps this is the true test of my submissiveness: will my desire to submit to her, and to have her determining my fate override my sexual desires?
Ironically, and even worse for my physical sexuality, every time she tells me 'No' and makes me suffer just a little bit more, it turns me on just a little bit more. The other evening, she used electricity to sexually torment me: she had it turned up just enough that it felt good, and was on the cusp of feeling really, really, really good. She left it on, watching me squirm. I craved sex, I longed for her to touch me, to use the massager on me, to make me come. Heaven forbid I actually vocalize that, though, or start begging: she is not generally pleased by my begging. But the whole time, I knew that I was not going to be permitted to come. The whole time I lay there, unable to either increase or decrease the sexual torment, knowing that orgasm was not going to be given.
I love those moments; I love being told 'No'. I love being controlled by my Mistress. I love seeing her enjoy my suffering. Would I be submissive if she was and acted entirely vanilla (without any attempts or efforts at domination)? No, I don't think so. But as it stands...ughhh. I might lose control and get so horny that I am willing to undergo the risk of punishment in the hope that she might actually listen to my begging.
Do I submit out of hope that she will dominate? Or do I submit because I am a submissive? Perhaps there are folks that are the latter; I am afraid that I am not. But...because of how horny I am, and how much I crave her domination and attentions, I submit in ways I do not inherently enjoy, for far longer than I wish (changing diapers being one of the worst parts).
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