After some discussion on the subject on CnC Forums, and after some discussion between us, my Mistress and I have come to a conclusion: that it is time to adjust how we are doing 24/7, and how we are managing my submissiveness and submission. While it rankles me a little bit to say it (I don't know if I believe it is true in all such D/s relationships either), the folks on CnC did have a point.
If I am truly trying to be submissive, then I cannot ask my Mistress to force me to be submissive, or to take responsibility for my submission, since she does not particularly enjoy doing so. If I am seeking to be a true submissive, I must take responsibility for my own submission and focus on my Mistress and her desires. For her part, I should not burden her with my cravings and lusts and desires and fetishes; she knows what they are, and if she wants to play with me using them, that's her choice. If she wants to ignore them, that is her prerogative. If she wants to completely ignore my arousal and my sexuality, that is also her choice.
This idea is scary to me, since I know how little my Mistress enjoys most of my fetishes. I am afraid that the consequence of me being a true submissive to her is that I will end up doing a ton of chores, extremely sexually hungry, with very, very little in the way of BDSM, Kink, etc., beyond the whole "she rules my world". What makes this even more likely is how much my Mistress enjoys telling me 'no'.
While she is not typically very sadistic in the conventional sense (though it does seem to be growing on her a little), she is very sadistic in another sense: she loves making me suffer mentally/sexually. She loves watching me struggle to obey or to comply with her will. She loves listening to a request from me bred of sexual hunger deeper than any I've ever felt, telling me 'No', then watching me squirm and moan in despair and craving. She loves playing with me just enough to get me fully focused on my sexuality again, then turning around and walking away.
It's a war between my physical sexuality, cravings, and lusts, and my mental/emotional sexuality. Battle between the three have occurred before, but now it is all-out war. Perhaps this is the true test of my submissiveness: will my desire to submit to her, and to have her determining my fate override my sexual desires?
Ironically, and even worse for my physical sexuality, every time she tells me 'No' and makes me suffer just a little bit more, it turns me on just a little bit more. The other evening, she used electricity to sexually torment me: she had it turned up just enough that it felt good, and was on the cusp of feeling really, really, really good. She left it on, watching me squirm. I craved sex, I longed for her to touch me, to use the massager on me, to make me come. Heaven forbid I actually vocalize that, though, or start begging: she is not generally pleased by my begging. But the whole time, I knew that I was not going to be permitted to come. The whole time I lay there, unable to either increase or decrease the sexual torment, knowing that orgasm was not going to be given.
I love those moments; I love being told 'No'. I love being controlled by my Mistress. I love seeing her enjoy my suffering. Would I be submissive if she was and acted entirely vanilla (without any attempts or efforts at domination)? No, I don't think so. But as it stands...ughhh. I might lose control and get so horny that I am willing to undergo the risk of punishment in the hope that she might actually listen to my begging.
Do I submit out of hope that she will dominate? Or do I submit because I am a submissive? Perhaps there are folks that are the latter; I am afraid that I am not. But...because of how horny I am, and how much I crave her domination and attentions, I submit in ways I do not inherently enjoy, for far longer than I wish (changing diapers being one of the worst parts).
Showing posts with label submissive. Show all posts
Showing posts with label submissive. Show all posts
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
From his Formerly Reluctant Mistress
My slave has made a request for me to write a post. I am doing so, not because he wishes it, but because I think it will add depth.
I have been married to my slave for a little over four years. It's interesting to look at how things have changed so much since the beginning of our marriage. Originally, he wanted me to do kinky things to him and become his Mistress. I had absolutely no desire to do so. Therefore, we settled into a very uneasy compromise: I would do much more than I wanted, and he would receive much less than he wanted. We also tried, at one point when I was beyond frustrated, going with no kink at all. I have never seen my husband more miserable. I knew I had to simply do kinky things and get over my distaste for them.
I suppose much of the problem lies in the fact that I am a pacifist. I dislike confrontation in all its forms. When I am required to do something that feels even remotely confrontational, I literally start shaking/ sweating/ feeling nauseous at even the thought of it. It takes hours afterwards for me to finally calm down. I am also a very giving person. I'm not saying that to brag; it's one of my few talents. It can also become a curse, though, because I will steamroll over myself in order to help another person. So when my sub approached me a little while ago and suggested that we try a Femdom relationship, I was immediately turned off by the idea. The idea of forcing someone else to help me, and doing so in a domineering way, really went against the grain, especially because it wouldn't have to occur once, or twice, but on a consistent basis. I knew, though, that something needed to change, because our otherwise blissful marriage had such a sour streak running through it when it came to all things sexual.
So I decided to give it a try. Actually, we attempted it once for about two weeks. It didn't go well at all. I think this is due to my slave topping from the bottom, and getting too many orgasms; he is never so submissive as when he craves sexual satisfaction. I did realize, though, that I do have a sadistic streak. I don't get sexually aroused by said sadism; I merely find it extremely funny when he's crying out and struggling. I think that gave both of us hope for the future.
Anyway, after some discussion afterward, we realized some of the problems with our test run. So we decided to try again. I have been, quite honestly, shocked at my response. I honestly thought I'd hate it. And, to be honest, there are moments where I wish it would all go away and we could have a vanilla relationship. For the most part, though, I have taken charge and enjoyed it. I think it's because I'm doing what I want to do. If he craves attention that I'm not willing to give, I stick him in time-out in the bathtub. If he wants to make a request and I don't want to hear it, I tell him to be silent. I like to cook, so I still do most of the cooking around the house, but I no longer prepare our menus by wondering what he will like. In fact, some of the meals I've made are ones that I know he won't, just because I find it so funny. I also decided that my slave does not need any orgasms ever again (after I made my slave research the health consequences of infrequent orgasms).
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I enjoy Femdom for the most part. I have hope that this will be a successful endeavor, even if we have to restart a few times. If I can enjoy it, maybe other women can. For the moment, I'm simply reveling in the fact that I am, can, and will be a successful Mistress! It may not be for everyone, but if there are any reluctant women reading this blog, I hope that my words can inspire you to realize that you deserve to be taken care of, and the positives will outweigh the negatives, given sufficient communication and even a small desire to do so.
I have been married to my slave for a little over four years. It's interesting to look at how things have changed so much since the beginning of our marriage. Originally, he wanted me to do kinky things to him and become his Mistress. I had absolutely no desire to do so. Therefore, we settled into a very uneasy compromise: I would do much more than I wanted, and he would receive much less than he wanted. We also tried, at one point when I was beyond frustrated, going with no kink at all. I have never seen my husband more miserable. I knew I had to simply do kinky things and get over my distaste for them.
I suppose much of the problem lies in the fact that I am a pacifist. I dislike confrontation in all its forms. When I am required to do something that feels even remotely confrontational, I literally start shaking/ sweating/ feeling nauseous at even the thought of it. It takes hours afterwards for me to finally calm down. I am also a very giving person. I'm not saying that to brag; it's one of my few talents. It can also become a curse, though, because I will steamroll over myself in order to help another person. So when my sub approached me a little while ago and suggested that we try a Femdom relationship, I was immediately turned off by the idea. The idea of forcing someone else to help me, and doing so in a domineering way, really went against the grain, especially because it wouldn't have to occur once, or twice, but on a consistent basis. I knew, though, that something needed to change, because our otherwise blissful marriage had such a sour streak running through it when it came to all things sexual.
So I decided to give it a try. Actually, we attempted it once for about two weeks. It didn't go well at all. I think this is due to my slave topping from the bottom, and getting too many orgasms; he is never so submissive as when he craves sexual satisfaction. I did realize, though, that I do have a sadistic streak. I don't get sexually aroused by said sadism; I merely find it extremely funny when he's crying out and struggling. I think that gave both of us hope for the future.
Anyway, after some discussion afterward, we realized some of the problems with our test run. So we decided to try again. I have been, quite honestly, shocked at my response. I honestly thought I'd hate it. And, to be honest, there are moments where I wish it would all go away and we could have a vanilla relationship. For the most part, though, I have taken charge and enjoyed it. I think it's because I'm doing what I want to do. If he craves attention that I'm not willing to give, I stick him in time-out in the bathtub. If he wants to make a request and I don't want to hear it, I tell him to be silent. I like to cook, so I still do most of the cooking around the house, but I no longer prepare our menus by wondering what he will like. In fact, some of the meals I've made are ones that I know he won't, just because I find it so funny. I also decided that my slave does not need any orgasms ever again (after I made my slave research the health consequences of infrequent orgasms).
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I enjoy Femdom for the most part. I have hope that this will be a successful endeavor, even if we have to restart a few times. If I can enjoy it, maybe other women can. For the moment, I'm simply reveling in the fact that I am, can, and will be a successful Mistress! It may not be for everyone, but if there are any reluctant women reading this blog, I hope that my words can inspire you to realize that you deserve to be taken care of, and the positives will outweigh the negatives, given sufficient communication and even a small desire to do so.
Friday, February 3, 2012
My First Orgasm as Her Submisive
My Mistress and I have done Dominant/submissive play before. We have even done so over multiple days, and sometimes for as long as a week or week and a half. But every single time in the past, my orgasm has signaled the end of the D/s play. A large part of this is due to the fact that generally, if I am not horny, I am not terribly submissive. Until last night, I had not had an orgasm for a month. I was extremely horny, and I was fairly submissive. Both my Mistress and myself were nervous about what would happen when she did make me come (we realize for health reasons that it needs to occur at least somewhat regularly).
Last night, my Mistress restrained me, then sexually tormented me: she played with my nipples, my cock, she put on latex gloves and ran her fingers over my body (I was so horny that my entire body was one big erogenous zone). She even climbed on top of me and began sexing me, though she would stop moving every time it began to feel really good. She got off, made me give her head while she handled my cock some more. When she came, she got a vibrator and took me repeatedly to the edge. Finally, she took me over the edge.
She did not intend to ruin my orgasm, as I tend to sexually recover more slowly from ruined orgasms. In fact, the orgasm began as one of the best I have ever had in my life, and it was undoubtedly one of the longest. Unfortunately (for me), she removed the stimulation while the orgasm was still taking place. Although I was already toward the tail end of the orgasm, and had nearly finished coming, this actually ruined the orgasm, in a minor sort of way: there was an acute discomfort because of the pressure remaining in my balls, and the extreme pleasure of the first part of the orgasm was quickly replaced by dissatisfaction. As we lay there, she continued fondling me; this was an exquisite torment, as what had been one huge erogenous zone now became one huge hyper-sensitive zone. It wasn't ticklish per se, but that is the closest thing I can thing to compare it to. Just lightly running her fingertips over my thighs resulted in me thrashing.
However, once she released me and I had cleaned up after the little session, I realized something: I was not horny, but I still felt somewhat submissive. She, in turn, continued to treat me as her submissive. Although I was not as excited to serve her and seek her pleasure after the orgasm, I was still able to respect her as the figure in control of our relationship.
I suppose it is probably a good sign for our Mistress/submissive relationship that I woke up horny again. Although I am not nearly so aroused as I was last night prior to the orgasm, I am still horny enough to care about and crave her attentions. It feels as if we have crossed the last real boundary between a normal husband/wife relationship and this D/s relationship. My last opportunity and excuse to simply back out is gone; unless I am seriously worried about compromising the health and well-being of our children and family, I must now confess that I am fully her submissive and slave, and shall remain so as long as she desires it, in whatever form she might wish.
A little scary, and very exciting.
Last night, my Mistress restrained me, then sexually tormented me: she played with my nipples, my cock, she put on latex gloves and ran her fingers over my body (I was so horny that my entire body was one big erogenous zone). She even climbed on top of me and began sexing me, though she would stop moving every time it began to feel really good. She got off, made me give her head while she handled my cock some more. When she came, she got a vibrator and took me repeatedly to the edge. Finally, she took me over the edge.
She did not intend to ruin my orgasm, as I tend to sexually recover more slowly from ruined orgasms. In fact, the orgasm began as one of the best I have ever had in my life, and it was undoubtedly one of the longest. Unfortunately (for me), she removed the stimulation while the orgasm was still taking place. Although I was already toward the tail end of the orgasm, and had nearly finished coming, this actually ruined the orgasm, in a minor sort of way: there was an acute discomfort because of the pressure remaining in my balls, and the extreme pleasure of the first part of the orgasm was quickly replaced by dissatisfaction. As we lay there, she continued fondling me; this was an exquisite torment, as what had been one huge erogenous zone now became one huge hyper-sensitive zone. It wasn't ticklish per se, but that is the closest thing I can thing to compare it to. Just lightly running her fingertips over my thighs resulted in me thrashing.
However, once she released me and I had cleaned up after the little session, I realized something: I was not horny, but I still felt somewhat submissive. She, in turn, continued to treat me as her submissive. Although I was not as excited to serve her and seek her pleasure after the orgasm, I was still able to respect her as the figure in control of our relationship.
I suppose it is probably a good sign for our Mistress/submissive relationship that I woke up horny again. Although I am not nearly so aroused as I was last night prior to the orgasm, I am still horny enough to care about and crave her attentions. It feels as if we have crossed the last real boundary between a normal husband/wife relationship and this D/s relationship. My last opportunity and excuse to simply back out is gone; unless I am seriously worried about compromising the health and well-being of our children and family, I must now confess that I am fully her submissive and slave, and shall remain so as long as she desires it, in whatever form she might wish.
A little scary, and very exciting.
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