A War Within

After some discussion on the subject on CnC Forums, and after some discussion between us, my Mistress and I have come to a conclusion:  that it is time to adjust how we are doing 24/7, and how we are managing my submissiveness and submission.  While it rankles me a little bit to say it (I don't know if I believe it is true in all such D/s relationships either), the folks on CnC did have a point.

If I am truly trying to be submissive, then I cannot ask my Mistress to force me to be submissive, or to take responsibility for my submission, since she does not particularly enjoy doing so.  If I am seeking to be a true submissive, I must take responsibility for my own submission and focus on my Mistress and her desires.  For her part, I should not burden her with my cravings and lusts and desires and fetishes; she knows what they are, and if she wants to play with me using them, that's her choice.  If she wants to ignore them, that is her prerogative.  If she wants to completely ignore my arousal and my sexuality, that is also her choice.

This idea is scary to me, since I know how little my Mistress enjoys most of my fetishes.  I am afraid that the consequence of me being a true submissive to her is that I will end up doing a ton of chores, extremely sexually hungry, with very, very little in the way of BDSM, Kink, etc., beyond the whole "she rules my world".  What makes this even more likely is how much my Mistress enjoys telling me 'no'.

While she is not typically very sadistic in the conventional sense (though it does seem to be growing on her a little), she is very sadistic in another sense:  she loves making me suffer mentally/sexually.  She loves watching me struggle to obey or to comply with her will.  She loves listening to a request from me bred of sexual hunger deeper than any I've ever felt, telling me 'No', then watching me squirm and moan in despair and craving.  She loves playing with me just enough to get me fully focused on my sexuality again, then turning around and walking away.

It's a war between my physical sexuality, cravings, and lusts, and my mental/emotional sexuality.  Battle between the three have occurred before, but now it is all-out war.  Perhaps this is the true test of my submissiveness:  will my desire to submit to her, and to have her determining my fate override my sexual desires?

Ironically, and even worse for my physical sexuality, every time she tells me 'No' and makes me suffer just a little bit more, it turns me on just a little bit more.  The other evening, she used electricity to sexually torment me:  she had it turned up just enough that it felt good, and was on the cusp of feeling really, really, really good.  She left it on, watching me squirm.  I craved sex, I longed for her to touch me, to use the massager on me, to make me come.  Heaven forbid I actually vocalize that, though, or start begging:  she is not generally pleased by my begging.  But the whole time, I knew that I was not going to be permitted to come.  The whole time I lay there, unable to either increase or decrease the sexual torment, knowing that orgasm was not going to be given.

I love those moments; I love being told 'No'.  I love being controlled by my Mistress.  I love seeing her enjoy my suffering.  Would I be submissive if she was and acted entirely vanilla (without any attempts or efforts at domination)?  No, I don't think so.  But as it stands...ughhh.  I might lose control and get so horny that I am willing to undergo the risk of punishment in the hope that she might actually listen to my begging.

Do I submit out of hope that she will dominate?  Or do I submit because I am a submissive?  Perhaps there are folks that are the latter; I am afraid that I am not.  But...because of how horny I am, and how much I crave her domination and attentions, I submit in ways I do not inherently enjoy, for far longer than I wish (changing diapers being one of the worst parts).

True Sadism?

The other night, my Mistress texted me very specific instructions while she was gone, which were in two parts.  The first part involved doing something specific to myself, the second part was sitting in the bathtub until she came home (my submissive's place, in many ways; if she wants me out of the way without worrying about me, she sends me there).  I performed the first part exactly as instructed.  The second part...I did briefly, but my distaste and discomfort overcame my desire to obey, and I cleaned myself up and left the bathtub, in direct contradiction of her orders.

I have mentioned to my Mistress before that harder+faster in relation to spankings is likely not the worst 'punishment' or 'torture'.  After discovering how much more effective the 'Torment' program was than the 'Bee-stings' program with the ET-312, we discussed how she could apply that to spanking:  make the blows a bit slower and more deliberate, to give the pain time to sink in, and to give me time to anticipate how much the next blow was going to hurt, hit me really hard occasionally so I knew how much it could hurt without a need to hit me that hard the whole time, and talk to me while she was spanking me, telling me things like "you are really going to be hurting by the time I am done with you, but you know you deserve it"  and "oh, don't worry; I'm just getting started".

The result was interesting; while she has spanked me before using a variety of implements (crop, flogger, plastic mixing spoon, bare hand, bamboo mixing spoon), none of those ever compared to the spanking she gave me last night.  It wasn't that the overall or average pain was really that much worse, I don't think.  I think it really was the fear that I felt while I lay there waiting for each blow, knowing that each one was going to hurt. 

What surprised me most though was the fact that she was causing me more pain than in any other session we have had with one or perhaps two exceptions, she enjoyed herself.  She enjoyed spanking me and making it hurt.  I suspect she enjoyed it when I squirmed around (I was not restrained).  I would not be surprised if she enjoyed the noises I made.

This is surprising to me because I do not think she has ever really enjoyed causing me any real quantity of pain; sure, a few blows of the crop or smacks with a rubber band, but nothing like that.  It also inspires a little more erotic fear (as well as fear of punishment).

More and more recently I've concluded that fear or anxiety in these situations is a turn-on.  While I do not generally enjoy fear or suspense (I detest thrillers, though I have never hand any issues actually watching them.  I just don't like that style of movie), it seems almost if I am a little afraid, it is because I am helpless, I know what is coming, I can't stop it, and my Mistress is truly in control and willing to exercise her will and power over me.

I don't know if her own breed of sadism will spread, and she will begin to enjoy other torments, tortures, and punishments more.  I don't know if it could be made deeper, so that she enjoyed causing me greater pains.  Frankly, I'm not sure how much I care.  The fact that I know that she can enjoy causing me pain is enough to make me just that little bit more anxious every time she exerts any power over me, and I like it.

My First Orgasm as Her Submisive

My Mistress and I have done Dominant/submissive play before.  We have even done so over multiple days, and sometimes for as long as a week or week and a half.  But every single time in the past, my orgasm has signaled the end of the D/s play.  A large part of this is due to the fact that generally, if I am not horny, I am not terribly submissive. Until last night, I had not had an orgasm for a month.  I was extremely horny, and I was fairly submissive.  Both my Mistress and myself were nervous about what would happen when she did make me come (we realize for health reasons that it needs to occur at least somewhat regularly).

Last night, my Mistress restrained me, then sexually tormented me: she played with my nipples, my cock, she put on latex gloves and ran her fingers over my body (I was so horny that my entire body was one big erogenous zone).  She even climbed on top of me and began sexing me, though she would stop moving every time it began to feel really good.  She got off, made me give her head while she handled my cock some more.  When she came, she got a vibrator and took me repeatedly to the edge.  Finally, she took me over the edge.

She did not intend to ruin my orgasm, as I tend to sexually recover more slowly from ruined orgasms.  In fact, the orgasm began as one of the best I have ever had in my life, and it was undoubtedly one of the longest.  Unfortunately (for me), she removed the stimulation while the orgasm was still taking place.  Although I was already toward the tail end of the orgasm, and had nearly finished coming, this actually ruined the orgasm, in a minor sort of way: there was an acute discomfort because of the pressure remaining in my balls, and the extreme pleasure of the first part of the orgasm was quickly replaced by dissatisfaction.  As we lay there, she continued fondling me; this was an exquisite torment, as what had been one huge erogenous zone now became one huge hyper-sensitive zone.  It wasn't ticklish per se, but that is the closest thing I can  thing to compare it to.  Just lightly running her fingertips over my thighs resulted in me thrashing.

However, once she released me and I had cleaned up after the little session, I realized something:  I was not horny, but I still felt somewhat submissive.  She, in turn, continued to treat me as her submissive.  Although I was not as excited to serve her and seek her pleasure after the orgasm, I was still able to respect her as the figure in control of our relationship.

I suppose it is probably a good sign for our Mistress/submissive relationship that I woke up horny again.  Although I am not nearly so aroused as I was last night prior to the orgasm, I am still horny enough to care about and crave her attentions.  It feels as if we have crossed the last real boundary between a normal husband/wife relationship and this D/s relationship.  My last opportunity and excuse to simply back out is gone; unless I am seriously worried about compromising the health and well-being of our children and family, I must now confess that I am fully her submissive and slave, and shall remain so as long as she desires it, in whatever form she might wish.

A little scary, and very exciting.