Pain to Inspire Submission

To begin with, my Mistress has instructed me to begin referring to her as my Mistress in this blog.

Yesterday evening my Mistress punished me in order to work off some of the demerits that I have earned.  I wired my cock to the Erostek 312 and set up the program (Torment), putting the stimulation level high enough that it was just starting to be unpleasant when it peaked.  She restrained me, then raised the level of stimulation.  I do not know how to describe the sensation;  I shall merely say that while the machine was silent between its tortures, I could think of nothing but what was surely coming.  When it was beginning to ramp up, I was begging for mercy and forgiveness.  When it peaked each time, I was straining against my restraints and making some very, very interesting noises.

This punishment session was interesting to me for a variety of reasons.  First, historically my Mistress has been cautious, almost oppressively so, about pushing my limits when it comes to pain.  This is the first time she has pushed my limits so forcefully, so much so that thinking about it is erotic, and I will surely fantasize about it, but it was so painful that I had no thoughts sexual in nature during the session.

Second, although we attempted to design ways for my Mistress to inspire greater submissiveness in me, I did not expect a punishment session to do so of itself.  However, I found that afterward,  I was more truly submissive than I have ever before been.  This has been more lasting than I expected as well; generally, my more submissive moods come and go, and dealing with the banal tends to make them go rather more quickly.  This morning, though, I feel every bit as submissive as last night.

Part of this might be due to the isolation my Mistress put me in prior to the punishment session yesterday (time out, basically, with restraint and sensory deprivation).  Between the punishment session and the isolation, I had an insight: although my wife is not inherently dominant, and does not inherently enjoy controlling and dominating me, my behaving like a partial submissive and only being partly sincere about my submission was not helping either my Mistress or myself.  Historically, I limited my submission without thinking about it; I think this is partly out of fear that if I was fully submissive, it would turn off (not sexually, more generally speaking) my Mistress.  Part of it as well was that even when I am being submissive and my wife is dominating me to a greater or lesser degree, I still want and crave various kinks and fetishes that I fear she will not provide if I do not push for them.

Thinking about it though, the fetishes and kink without the domination feels empty.  The domination without the kink and fetish feels much more complete, if tantalizing and tormentuous.  As a result of this realization, I have concluded that I must submit fully (within the bounds that we have set), and not hold back those parts I have previously held back.  I hope that my Mistress will enjoy dominating me much more when I am not "topping from the bottom" at all. 

Although, I am afraid that I will still occasionally fail, and she will be forced to remind me of my place.  I am sure another such punishment session, or even the threat of it, will remind me again of my proper place as her submissive.