A War Within

After some discussion on the subject on CnC Forums, and after some discussion between us, my Mistress and I have come to a conclusion:  that it is time to adjust how we are doing 24/7, and how we are managing my submissiveness and submission.  While it rankles me a little bit to say it (I don't know if I believe it is true in all such D/s relationships either), the folks on CnC did have a point.

If I am truly trying to be submissive, then I cannot ask my Mistress to force me to be submissive, or to take responsibility for my submission, since she does not particularly enjoy doing so.  If I am seeking to be a true submissive, I must take responsibility for my own submission and focus on my Mistress and her desires.  For her part, I should not burden her with my cravings and lusts and desires and fetishes; she knows what they are, and if she wants to play with me using them, that's her choice.  If she wants to ignore them, that is her prerogative.  If she wants to completely ignore my arousal and my sexuality, that is also her choice.

This idea is scary to me, since I know how little my Mistress enjoys most of my fetishes.  I am afraid that the consequence of me being a true submissive to her is that I will end up doing a ton of chores, extremely sexually hungry, with very, very little in the way of BDSM, Kink, etc., beyond the whole "she rules my world".  What makes this even more likely is how much my Mistress enjoys telling me 'no'.

While she is not typically very sadistic in the conventional sense (though it does seem to be growing on her a little), she is very sadistic in another sense:  she loves making me suffer mentally/sexually.  She loves watching me struggle to obey or to comply with her will.  She loves listening to a request from me bred of sexual hunger deeper than any I've ever felt, telling me 'No', then watching me squirm and moan in despair and craving.  She loves playing with me just enough to get me fully focused on my sexuality again, then turning around and walking away.

It's a war between my physical sexuality, cravings, and lusts, and my mental/emotional sexuality.  Battle between the three have occurred before, but now it is all-out war.  Perhaps this is the true test of my submissiveness:  will my desire to submit to her, and to have her determining my fate override my sexual desires?

Ironically, and even worse for my physical sexuality, every time she tells me 'No' and makes me suffer just a little bit more, it turns me on just a little bit more.  The other evening, she used electricity to sexually torment me:  she had it turned up just enough that it felt good, and was on the cusp of feeling really, really, really good.  She left it on, watching me squirm.  I craved sex, I longed for her to touch me, to use the massager on me, to make me come.  Heaven forbid I actually vocalize that, though, or start begging:  she is not generally pleased by my begging.  But the whole time, I knew that I was not going to be permitted to come.  The whole time I lay there, unable to either increase or decrease the sexual torment, knowing that orgasm was not going to be given.

I love those moments; I love being told 'No'.  I love being controlled by my Mistress.  I love seeing her enjoy my suffering.  Would I be submissive if she was and acted entirely vanilla (without any attempts or efforts at domination)?  No, I don't think so.  But as it stands...ughhh.  I might lose control and get so horny that I am willing to undergo the risk of punishment in the hope that she might actually listen to my begging.

Do I submit out of hope that she will dominate?  Or do I submit because I am a submissive?  Perhaps there are folks that are the latter; I am afraid that I am not.  But...because of how horny I am, and how much I crave her domination and attentions, I submit in ways I do not inherently enjoy, for far longer than I wish (changing diapers being one of the worst parts).

CnC

I've had an account on www.collarncuffs.com for some time.  When I first found the site, I was hit by how genuine the majority of the people I interacted with on the site were.  They were realistic, they were honest, and the point of the site was not to titillate but to inform and empower.  In fact, I suspect that much of what goes on there is counteracting fantasies developed by the porn industry, fantasies which are exaggerated and inflated and simply don't generally work in real life.

Beyond all of the information, however, there is also the community: individuals who have been there, struggled with that, and found solutions to this.  Of course, there are individuals on the other end, as well:  those who are trying to figure things out, how to get things to work and solve issues.  Because of the honesty of these individuals, I think there is far more value to the community at CnC than most sites that might be compared on the internet, and much more to be potentially gained by becoming and being a part of this community.

So, I spent time nosing around, reading the informational stuff, reading the forums, and even chatting occasionally.  My Mistress, however, had no positive interest in the site.  I suspect that she thought of it much as she thinks about pornography: wasted time, and worse.  After several eloquent and passionate pleas (alright, I might have just read her a few posts, and showed her a couple of my own), she agreed to create an account and look around.

She did so, and I cannot decide who is more surprised, she or I.  As with 24/7, she seemed to enjoy herself on CnC; she had fun reading a number of the posts (particularly those of RedWench, who reminds her of a friend she once had) and looking around (she loved MissBonnies little animated .gif ). 

We shall see, I suppose, whether she continues to frequent the site, and whether she finds any value in the vast array of information gathered over time there.  I certainly hope she will;  whether or not she does or we do, I am certain the site will be of great use to many individuals and couples for some time to come.

From his Formerly Reluctant Mistress

My slave has made a request for me to write a post. I am doing so, not because he wishes it, but because I think it will add depth.


I have been married to my slave for a little over four years. It's interesting to look at how things have changed so much since the beginning of our marriage. Originally, he wanted me to do kinky things to him and become his Mistress. I had absolutely no desire to do so. Therefore, we settled into a very uneasy compromise: I would do much more than I wanted, and he would receive much less than he wanted. We also tried, at one point when I was beyond frustrated, going with no kink at all. I have never seen my husband more miserable. I knew I had to simply do kinky things and get over my distaste for them.


I suppose much of the problem lies in the fact that I am a pacifist. I dislike confrontation in all its forms. When I am required to do something that feels even remotely confrontational, I literally start shaking/ sweating/ feeling nauseous at even the thought of it. It takes hours afterwards for me to finally calm down. I am also a very giving person. I'm not saying that to brag; it's one of my few talents. It can also become a curse, though, because I will steamroll over myself in order to help another person. So when my sub approached me a little while ago and suggested that we try a Femdom relationship, I was immediately turned off by the idea. The idea of forcing someone else to help me, and doing so in a domineering way, really went against the grain, especially because it wouldn't have to occur once, or twice, but on a consistent basis. I knew, though, that something needed to change, because our otherwise blissful marriage had such a sour streak running through it when it came to all things sexual.


So I decided to give it a try. Actually, we attempted it once for about two weeks. It didn't go well at all. I think this is due to my slave topping from the bottom, and getting too many orgasms; he is never so submissive as when he craves sexual satisfaction. I did realize, though, that I do have a sadistic streak. I don't get sexually aroused by said sadism; I merely find it extremely funny when he's crying out and struggling. I think that gave both of us hope for the future.


Anyway, after some discussion afterward, we realized some of the problems with our test run. So we decided to try again. I have been, quite honestly, shocked at my response. I honestly thought I'd hate it. And, to be honest, there are moments where I wish it would all go away and we could have a vanilla relationship. For the most part, though, I have taken charge and enjoyed it. I think it's because I'm doing what I want to do. If he craves attention that I'm not willing to give, I stick him in time-out in the bathtub. If he wants to make a request and I don't want to hear it, I tell him to be silent. I like to cook, so I still do most of the cooking around the house, but I no longer prepare our menus by wondering what he will like. In fact, some of the meals I've made are ones that I know he won't, just because I find it so funny. I also decided that my slave does not need any orgasms ever again (after I made my slave research the health consequences of infrequent orgasms).


I guess what I'm trying to say is that I enjoy Femdom for the most part. I have hope that this will be a successful endeavor, even if we have to restart a few times. If I can enjoy it, maybe other women can. For the moment, I'm simply reveling in the fact that I am, can, and will be a successful Mistress! It may not be for everyone, but if there are any reluctant women reading this blog, I hope that my words can inspire you to realize that you deserve to be taken care of, and the positives will outweigh the negatives, given sufficient communication and even a small desire to do so.

A Fantasy of Inattention

One thing that I find particularly interesting through all this is how my own fetishes and fantasies have changed.  I was never particularly interested in feet; my Mistress has successfully (and deliberately) made her feet an object of sexual interest.  I do not know that I would call it a full-fledged foot fetish, but it is certainly headed in that direction.  My fantasies historically have focused on unnamed, unspecific dominant females doing all sorts of fantastic (and sometimes extreme) things to and with me.  While they were very erotic, they are generally not the sort of thing I would ever consent to in real life for a number of reasons.

Over the past few weeks, the nature of my fantasies have changed.  They are now based firmly upon my Mistress, and not some female conjured up by my imagination.  The behaviors and activities are also a very different set; while they are a far cry from vanilla, they would perhaps be considered more 'tame' by many who like to explore the depths of BDSM; however, they are generally much more in line with things my Mistress does enjoy doing.

For instance, as I was laying awake during the early hours of the morning (very, very horny, with a green scrub pad down my underpants to make humping the bed intentionally or unaware very uncomfortable), I had a fantasy scenario running through my head.  In it, my Mistress locked me in a custom steel chastity device, muzzled me, collared and cuffed me with locking leather, and ordered me to be 'Silent' every night overnight.  Aside from using her toys on herself to make herself come next to me in the bed, she sexually ignored me, leaving me wanting to moan and beg for her attention.  However, in this fantasy, violating said 'Silence' resulted in most unpleasant results, something along the line of being handed a blanket and made to sleep in the bathtub or in her closet.

I am not quite sure why the nature of my fantasies have changed so drastically.  But, it has been so.  Fortunately, my efforts as a submissive at redirecting my energy and focus more toward my Mistress have not gone unrewarded.  My Mistress has been enjoying herself and her dominance more than either of us expected.  She has enjoyed giving me spankings, nasty tittie-twisters (she has over the course of our marriage gotten very good at this), and having me helping much more around the house.  I suspect, however, that the thing she is enjoying the most is how often and how effectively she has been able to say 'no':  "Mistress, can you please..."  "No."  "Mistress, may I please...."  "No."  "Mistress, may I ask..."  "Silence, pet."

It's almost perverse;  I suspect often she tells me 'no' just because she can.  If there is any form of D/s that she truly enjoys, I suspect this one is the greatest.  Ironically, though I actually want her to/let me to/answer me, her "No's" do more to dominate me and establish herself as the being truly in charge than anything else either of us has done in this relationship.